Can it please get better

It's been a while now since i found out i had cancer. Time hasn't made it any less to deal with. But it's so much more then cancer that is dragging me down. I Love my Mom with all my heart and to find out she will be going through this just breaks my heart. She is my best friend and my world and i need her here with me. And for some reason the day i heard the Big C word my life has been struggling. My biggest concern is my mom and my children. I'am trying to do everything i can to make sure my kid's lives stay as normal as possiable. It isn't fair that my worries are their worries. And to watch them stress because they see me stressed or sick is the worst. What I'am thankful for is the support i get from family & friends. I have the most amazing support around me and now my mother does to. And please continue with the prayers for me and my mom we need them to get through this time. Thank's everyone hope to try and stay positive

Life

Well finally got most of my information i needed to know. I found out it's stage 3 throat and neck cancer. It's a little worse then thought it was. It's worse on the left of my neck and just starting on the right side. On my left side u can see it easy it looks like i have a golf ball in my neck. Here is what may be my treatment plan they one to use one of the most stronger chemo and radation because they want to nail it hard and try to cure me. I have two options for chemo one is very strong it will very bad side effects second is almost same medicine but side effects are not as bad and works better with my kind of cancer. But to get second kind you have to be approved for a study but my doctor thinks i will get it because i'am in advance stages. Now because radation side effects i will have to get a feeding tube but in to help me eat and they said i already lost to much weigh and i'am to weak so it will build me back up that way. Also have to get a port put into my chest they said my veins are to tiny so they won't be able to hook me up to chemo without a port. They also told me i will not be able to care for my children while i'am sick even a little cold can send me to hospital. I know alot of people will not agree with this but my kids father is going to come up and help me with the kids. Between him and my brother. Everything i choose to do is based on what is best for my children and what i need to get better for them so i can care for them again. They are very excited to have him come back and so am i because i know i will get the rest i need. I know i will recover so please don't think other wise. I'am so blessed and finally realized how many good friends and family i have out there. If it wasn't for them i would be lost. And a special thanks to my brother who has put his life on hold to help me. Also to Diane Wilson and Sean Deweese use two have done so much to help me and Kayleigh even before i found out i had cancer and for that i will always be grateful to both of use. And of corse my wonderful mother who is also ill but is dead set on helping me and my children. And my step dad for being there and also supporting me.And my sisters Sherri & Sharon for all the supports. If it wasn't for all them we would be lost. Thank you soo much.

Forever

I feel like it's taking forever to start this treatment or just to get answers. It's been almost a month since i found out i had cancer and i am still sitting here waiting. I have been lucky up till now even though i have had this i have felt good all but just a little tired. But now i feel a little pain in the back of my throat and my new side effect everytime i drink something half goes down my throat and half out my nose my god it is soo gross.  I must just being inpatient i feel like my life is at a standstill intill  i get better. And how can i get better when i don't even have all the answers. Well hopefully by thursday i will have all my answers answerd. God bless and enjoy the hoilday week.

Over thinking

It's already been a rough rode and it just seems to get worse each day. I feel like i need a vacation from my own mind. I don't even no were to start. The thing i think is hurting me the most right now is every time i look at my mother i can see sadness and tears and even though i don't mean to cause it i know it's from me and that's a hard feeling to deal with. She needs to worry about herself not me. Second i even though i have a lot of people around me i feel alone. And i know i will make it through this mess but still feel like my life is over or on a long stand still.I just put all this in to gods hands because i know i can't handle. I am blessed that i do have a lot of support. I guess now just hope for the best!!!

Give Me Strength, Lord

Give Me Strength, Lord

Lord, you are Holy above all others, and all of the strength that I need is in your hands.
I am not asking, Lord, that you take this trial away. Instead, I simply ask that Your will be done in my life. Whatever that means, that is what I want.
But I admit that it’s hard, Lord.
Sometimes I feel like I can’t go on. The pain and the fear are too much for me, and I know that I don’t have the strength on my own to get through this.
I know that I can come to you, Jesus, and that you will hear my prayer. I know that it is not your intent to bring me to this point just to leave me in the wilderness alone.
Please, Lord, give me the strength that I need to face today. I don’t have to worry about tomorrow.
If you just give me the strength that I need today that is all I need.

Keep me from sinning during this trial. Instead, help me to keep my eyes on you. You are the Holy Lord, and all of my hope rests in you.

Thank you for hearing my prayer.
In Jesus’ name. Amen.

get close & pre game

Well I go to see the surgeon  Thursday I must say i am a little nervous even though  my MRI result came out good.As of now it hasn't spread and is my tonsils uvula and roof of my mouth. I am also waiting for my appointment for my oncologist. I think out of all of this I am most scared of chemo treatments even more so then surgery. And my biggest fears are my kids and how I will care for them while I am going through these treatments. And of course biggest fears no income coming in. I have so many fears and questions. The only thing i can do now is leave it to god. I know he is looking after me. Thank you everyone for all the help and support.

What a long day and i have a feeling its going to be even a longer week. I have all my appts this week and iam so nervous about going.It seems like everytime i go see a doctor its all bad news so why would i want to go see more.I feel tired and weak and i havent even had anything done yet. The cancer seems to also give me bad throat infections and i seem to be getting another bad one.So iam going to try and get to the regular doctor for some meds. The one that helped the most was the steriods but i dont know if they will put me back on the again.Well lets cross our fingers and hope week goes by without any bumps.