Over thinking

It's already been a rough rode and it just seems to get worse each day. I feel like i need a vacation from my own mind. I don't even no were to start. The thing i think is hurting me the most right now is every time i look at my mother i can see sadness and tears and even though i don't mean to cause it i know it's from me and that's a hard feeling to deal with. She needs to worry about herself not me. Second i even though i have a lot of people around me i feel alone. And i know i will make it through this mess but still feel like my life is over or on a long stand still.I just put all this in to gods hands because i know i can't handle. I am blessed that i do have a lot of support. I guess now just hope for the best!!!

Give Me Strength, Lord

Give Me Strength, Lord

Lord, you are Holy above all others, and all of the strength that I need is in your hands.
I am not asking, Lord, that you take this trial away. Instead, I simply ask that Your will be done in my life. Whatever that means, that is what I want.
But I admit that it’s hard, Lord.
Sometimes I feel like I can’t go on. The pain and the fear are too much for me, and I know that I don’t have the strength on my own to get through this.
I know that I can come to you, Jesus, and that you will hear my prayer. I know that it is not your intent to bring me to this point just to leave me in the wilderness alone.
Please, Lord, give me the strength that I need to face today. I don’t have to worry about tomorrow.
If you just give me the strength that I need today that is all I need.

Keep me from sinning during this trial. Instead, help me to keep my eyes on you. You are the Holy Lord, and all of my hope rests in you.

Thank you for hearing my prayer.
In Jesus’ name. Amen.

get close & pre game

Well I go to see the surgeon  Thursday I must say i am a little nervous even though  my MRI result came out good.As of now it hasn't spread and is my tonsils uvula and roof of my mouth. I am also waiting for my appointment for my oncologist. I think out of all of this I am most scared of chemo treatments even more so then surgery. And my biggest fears are my kids and how I will care for them while I am going through these treatments. And of course biggest fears no income coming in. I have so many fears and questions. The only thing i can do now is leave it to god. I know he is looking after me. Thank you everyone for all the help and support.

What a long day and i have a feeling its going to be even a longer week. I have all my appts this week and iam so nervous about going.It seems like everytime i go see a doctor its all bad news so why would i want to go see more.I feel tired and weak and i havent even had anything done yet. The cancer seems to also give me bad throat infections and i seem to be getting another bad one.So iam going to try and get to the regular doctor for some meds. The one that helped the most was the steriods but i dont know if they will put me back on the again.Well lets cross our fingers and hope week goes by without any bumps.

Day 3

Such a nice day out today iam sitting outside with my daughter Emma. Iam playing on my computer and she is playing on her fake one.She wants to be just like her mom and that makes me so proud.I just hope she feels the same way after all this is over with.Iam going try try and spend as much time with my kids now before it gets worse or i do treatments.And its realy hard to do considering i can't stay awake.I guess right now its better to sleep so i don't have to be awake to think about all this.My god its even hard to say the C word.Starting tomorrow i got to start making all my doctors appt and getting test done.Even thinking about making the appts is hard i guess there isnt anything easy about this except all the support i have been getting is just amazing.But i still feel alone no matter how much i have.well iam going to try and update as much as i can so i can look back after this journey is over because this will make me a stronger person.

Cancer

Well i woke up today with alot of weight on my shoulders but i decided iam going to take this weekend off and enjoy it with my kids.I will start all my doctor appts starting monday.I was diagnosed with throat cancer yesterday the doctor says i have a tumor on the back of my throat and it is also eating away at the roof of my mouth.This is one of the scariest thing i have had to go through but iam blessed it is curable with treatments.I decided i was going to blog my experance going through this so that way i can rember and learn from it.My biggest fears as of now are my 4 children they are my life and iam worried how this will effect them.Well iam going to try and keep this up to date as much as i can.Thank to all my friends and family even my facebook friends that have showed me support.